More Random Thoughts - December 2013 Edition

Random Thoughts for December

Here's a major difference between men and women: Spitting. I don't know one woman, no matter how vulgar she may be, who would walk down the street and spit. Yet men think nothing of it. Forget baseball players with their seemingly endless supply of saliva or sunflower seeds or tobacco. Just the ordinary guy will be walking down the street and launch a lugie. So that is, in my mind, a very fundamental difference between the sexes. Thank you, Margaret Mead, for that anthropological observation.

Seen on a t-shirt: Why is abbreviation such a long word? Good question.

I hate it when my socks sink into my shoes and I have to keep retrieving them. This only happens with certain pairs, but when it does, it drives me crazy. The other thing that drives me crazy is missing socks. I picture a sock somehow gaining its freedom from the washer or dryer in a scene reminiscent of Tim Robbins’ escape from prison in “The Shawshank Redemption.”

Whenever my sister and I find ourselves with extra time on our hands, do we sit and watch a movie? Read a book? Call a friend? No, we throw in a "bonus load" of laundry. We're nuts, I know, but getting an extra load in – especially for her, since she has a job that keeps her out of the house all week – is a thrill. Even for me, the family retiree.

There's nothing like getting into a bed with clean sheets. Not that the ones that were on the bed last night could actually get dirty. After all, it's not like I work in a dusty place, have pets on the bed, eat in bed or any of the above, so how dirty could they get? But still, there's nothing like clean sheets on the bed. Come on, you know just what I mean.

Speaking of clean, raise your hand if you clean the house before the cleaning lady comes. OK, I see a lot of hands out there. I always straighten up, since I don't want her to have to deal with the newspapers and magazines and the general clutter. I want her to scrub and clean. I can do the organizing. Everyone does that, I think, unless they just don't have the time, right? Besides, do I want the cleaning lady to think I live like a slob (which, I assure you, I do not)?

There are so many cleaning products under the kitchen sink that there isn't even room for all of them. It would be nice if someone other than the cleaning lady used them. Oh, I guess that would be me...

Sometimes I think to myself, "If it were up to me, I'd stay in bed all day and read." Then I remember it IS up to me. But then I feel guilty about what I SHOULD be doing, so I don't stay in bed all day and read. But one day, I swear I will. I only hope it is by choice.

It is really strange to walk down the street, listening to iHeart Radio and get traffic and weather reports from Phoenix or whatever station I happen upon.

There are 15 clocks in this house and the only two that show the same time are on the DVRs (which I can't set or override). I throw up my hands sometimes and wait until we have to change the clocks, when I know they will all be at the same time, at least for the day. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

I have 2 red raffle tickets in my wallet for something I bought or signed up for. No one has called and no one will, but I am holding on to them anyway. Why?

My phone conversations with my sister are so mundane, so boring, that we get hysterical thinking about them. I only hope the government is listening in. Someone could easily fall asleep listening to us ruminate over the latest "star" to go home on "Dancing With the Stars," or planning an outing to drop off clothes for a clothing drive, or talking about the sale at ShopRite on the laundry detergent I use (my sister is on patrol to keep me informed of sales on Dynamo). Bring it on, NSA. We'll bore you to death.

Do you find yourself saying, “Before I forget,” more and more often? It’s not just me, right?

It seems every time I go to the eye doctor the sun is shining brightly. Then they put those drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils and I leave the office and am immediately blinded by the light. And then I drive home!

Is there a town that doesn't have a road named "River Road" or "Lakeview Drive?" And how many are actually near a river or have a view of a lake? And speaking of street names, it is interesting to notice how the town or the developers have decided on the names. I live on Joshua Drive, near Scott and Daniel, but not that far from Barbara, so the developer must have had a lot of kids with those names. When will we see Tameika Place? Khadijah Drive? Some communities use names that reflect the former heritage of a location, like Choctaw Ridge Road. I always feel sorry for the kids who are just learning their addresses who have to learn to spell Amagansett. My former address was Skillman Close. Not Road, not Drive, not Street. Close. This is apparently a nicer way of denoting a dead end. But how many times did I have to spell it out or explain it? It's not like I CHOSE the name.

Who sits around and makes up names for paint colors and shades of lipstick? Look, this can't be an easy job. How many ways can YOU describe beige or shades of red and pink?

Please, God, make people stop using 'single quotes' where clearly "double quotes" belong. This seemingly universal change in punctuation is making me twitch. I see it in the Star-Ledger nearly every day, and it appears in more places than I can list. I can see the headline in the obituary section – Woman Dies from 'Single Quote' overexposure.

Stink bugs are aptly named, because they stink.

I wonder if any of the seemingly miserable and generally surly government employees with whom we have to deal went home excited and happy the day they got the news they were hired. Or does the government look for miserable people to hire so they can deal with the public? I’m thinking specifically of the local Social Security office as well as the toll-free SS line, where the person I spoke with was not even as warm and helpful as an automated line.

Among the many things I don’t do well, near the top of the list, is peeling hard-boiled eggs. Don’t expect deviled eggs from me anytime in the future since when I peel an egg, I end up denting it, and you are likely to get a piece of shell. I know, I know, peel ‘em under running water, but then you’ll get a wet egg from me. Your choice.

When I go out for a walk in the cold weather, I layer it up. In fact, nobody this side of Heidi wears this many layers. You'd think I was walking in the Antarctic rather than on the streets of Hillsborough.

Though I pride myself on a pop culture IQ that is far above average, I must admit that I have not only never seen “Dr. Who,” but I don't even know what it is about. Furthermore, I don't care to. And I've never seen or read “The Hunger Games,” either, and probably never will.

As I was scrubbing a potato to within an inch of its life the other day, I started to wonder how many tons of dirt I have consumed over the years. I mean, nobody truly gets all of the dirt off a potato, so some of it just has to be eaten. As the old ad goes, I guess we as a species are "stronger than dirt."

Tina's November 2013 Movies

In November, I was thankful to find 11 movies to see.  Movies not seen previously are indicated with an * and numbering picks up from the previous month.  Movies are rated on a scale of 0-5 cans of tuna fish, with 5 being the top accolade.

125.  Hannah and Her Sisters (1984) – Woody Allen is a neurotic New Yorker (stop me if you’ve heard this one before) who was once married to Hannah (Mia Farrow).  Hannah and her sisters (Dianne Weist, who won the Best Supporting Oscar for her role) and Barbara Hershey are entangled in each other’s lives.  The film is loaded with romantic complications involving numerous guest stars, like Michael Caine, Max Von Sydow, but, sadly, no Diane Keaton.  If you want to see New York living, Woody Allen and complicated relationships, this one’s for you.  Give me Annie Hall instead.  3½ cans. 

126.  Witness (1985) – This movie was the first to take us into the land of the Amish, long before they started leaving home to appear on reality TV.  Harrison Ford is a Philly cop investigating a murder witnessed by the young son (Lukas Haas) of an Amish widow (Kelly McGillis) at the train station.  The cultural clash between “the English” and the Amish is clearly on display here, as Ford, seriously injured, ends up on the Amish farm to heal.  The attraction he has for Amish mother played by Kelly McGillis, is genuine.  I hadn’t seen this movie in many years and was glad to have rediscovered it.  4 cans.

127.  In a World* (2013) – Whenever I watch movie previews and the announcer intones the phrase, “In a world..” I know I won’t be seeing that movie.  So, ironically, I went to see this movie, which is about succeeding in the world of voiceovers.  Lake Bell makes an auspicious debut as director and star of this dramedy about a 31-year old woman who is the daughter of a career voiceover artist who is content to outdo his daughter at every turn.  Languishing as a vocal coach, Carol Solomon (Bell) yearns for a break, and she is on the verge of getting one as the narrator of a huge “quadrology” – a 4-part series that sounds similar to all those movies I never see, like “The Hunger Games.”  In her corner (for the most part) is her sister and the cute guy with a crush on her.  This is a pleasant romp, but Bell is the revelation.  With Zooey Deschanel-like qualities, she stands out in this ensemble effort.  Sounds good to me.  3½  cans.

128.  Say Anything (1989) – While high school valedictorian Diane Court (Ione Skye) is looking forward to her future, studying on a fellowship in England, her classmate, flaky Lloyd Dobler (the under-rated John Cusak) has a more modest goal: He simply wants to go out with Diane.  An unlikely match by everyone’s standards, they bring out the best in each other.  Lloyd is supportive and caring, and Diane begins to see life without blinders and beyond her devotion to her controlling father (John Mahoney), to whom she can say anything.  Can this relationship last?  This Cameron Crowe movie elevates above the usual teenage angst with the sincerity of young love and memorable bits by supporting players like Lily Taylor, a friend of Lloyd’s who writes songs about her one-time love, Joe.  And who can forget that iconic image of Lloyd standing outside Diane’s house, boombox overhead blaring “In Your Eyes?”  4 cans.

129.  Miracle in the Rain (1956) – A very plain Jane Wyman plays Ruth Wood, a lonely single woman who meets charming soldier Art Hugenaut (Van Johnson) on a rainy day.  He is unfailingly kind, thoughtful, polite and full of fun, and she inevitably falls for him.  Just as inevitably, he is forced to leave her to fight in WWII.  In case you can’t figure out the rest of the plot, I’ll just say that true love never dies, but sometimes it takes a miracle to keep love alive.  True confession: At one time this was one of my favorite movies.  Maybe I’ve gotten more stoic over the years, because it no longer makes me weep uncontrollably and it seems a little sappy to my 63-year old self, as opposed to my teenaged self.  But, miraculously, I enjoyed seeing it again.  3 cans.

130.  We’re the Millers* (2013) – Just because you fall asleep in the first 15 minutes of a movie, that doesn’t mean it is a terrible movie, right?  In fact, this would be a bad movie even if I had stayed up through the whole thing.  This comedy stars Jason Sudekis as a small-time drug dealer who has to smuggle a large load of pot from Mexico to repay a debt to his dealer “boss.”  He grabs a couple of ne’er-do-well acquaintances (stripper Jennifer Anniston, wild child Emma Roberts and a geeky teenaged boy whose name escapes me) to pose as his phony family – hence, the title, “We’re the Millers” – so he can sneak across the border in an RV filled with drugs.  Needless to say, things don’t go as planned.  The RV has problems, bad guys are after them, and they meet a federal agent and his wife along the way, all of which slow them down.  The bickering “family” naturally becomes like a real family.  If you stick around for the whole thing – and I did go back and watch the parts I missed – make sure to watch the outtakes, which are funnier than the movie.  Which isn’t saying much.  1½ cans.

131.  Under the Tuscan Sun (2003) – In my next life I want to be Diane Lane.  She’s beautiful, talented and, here, is living in Tuscany.  What could be bad (her domestic violence order against estranged real-life husband Josh Brolin notwithstanding)?  In this delightful movie, she plays real-life author Frances Mayes, who ditches her California life after her husband ditches her, goes on a tour of Tuscany and impulsively hops off a bus and buys a house.  When I first saw this movie, I thought it was about love and home improvements.  But it is really about love and family, the love between men and women, friends, young love, older love, endless devoted love, and the people who surround us who become our families.  I loved it.  4 cans.

132.  Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) – My Thanksgiving is complete, now that I have once again watched this endearing comedy with Steve Martin as frustrated traveler Neil, who keeps bumping into annoying salesman Dell (the late John Candy).  Both guys are trying their best to get home to Chicago in time for Thanksgiving, but every possible thing happens to prevent them from getting there.  Candy is a big hulk of a guy, but full of a soft and warm center.  Martin is uptight and driven (occasionally on the wrong side of the road).  They don’t call these movies “buddy movies” for nothing, however, as the characters begin to understand each other despite their conflicts and the circumstances.  Terrific movie, great performances, and always something for which to be thankful in this special season.  4 cans.

133.  The Sugarland Express* (1974) – Somehow I had managed to miss this movie, the feature movie debut of director Steven Spielberg, for all these years.  It reminded me of his classic TV-movie, “Duel,” since both movies take place on long, flat highways.  Here Goldie Hawn and William Atherton are a couple of convicts.  She’s been released from jail and he breaks out of jail so they can retrieve their baby.  But breaking out of jail usually attracts some attention, and before you know it, they have hijacked a police car and have a phalanx of patrol cars following their every move.  The story is based on a real incident in Texas, and it is told by Spielberg (who co-wrote the screenplay) with tension and humor.  Hawn is still cute but much tougher here than her typical ditsy character.  Who knew this rookie director would go on to such classics as “ET,” “Indiana Jones” and “Schindler’s List?”  He got off to a good start on this one.  3½ cans.

134.  The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 (1974) – Walter Matthau eschews his usual comic persona to take the lead as a NYC Transit cop in this outstanding suspense movie.  Four criminals hijack NYC subway train and threaten to kill the passengers if their demand for a $1 million ransom is not met.  The authorities can’t comprehend how these guys are going to succeed with this outrageous crime, but Matthau, their chief contact, is smart enough to figure it out.  The bad guys (including Robert Shaw, Hector Elizondo and Martin Balsam) have the whole caper well thought out.  I much prefer this original version to the remake that starred Denzel Washington and John Travolta a few years ago.  There’s no need for excessive violence, blood and gore to keep the tension level high.  This one is just smart, and I highly recommend it.  4 cans.

135.  The Sessions* (2012) – John Hawkes gives a remarkable performance in this drama based on a real story of a man who lives most of his life in an iron lung.  Mark O’Brien is an educated man, a poet and writer, who contracted polio as a child and is unable to go for more than a few hours without his iron lung.  He relies on health care aides to care for and transport him.  Even with the reality of his limitations, he is a witty, personable man who develops genuine feelings for some of the women in his life.  He has never been able to have sexual intercourse – or hasn’t found a willing partner – so when a doctor suggests he contract the services of a sexual surrogate, he decides to take her advice.  Helen Hunt is Cheryl, the woman who takes on Mark as a patient, and it is her patience and experience as a professional in the field that guides him.  This poignant story is much less titillating than you might expect, considering how often Hunt sheds her clothes, and both characters have deep feelings about their sessions together.  Not my usual kind of movie, but I was curious about how this subject would be portrayed.  It turned out to be very moving and with considerable charm.  3½ cans.