Shore Enough

Shakespeare, Hemingway, Dickens.

These authors are so renowned that they can be identified by a single name. Now we can add a new legend to this pantheon of literary giants: Snooki.

Snooki? Really? Yes, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, self-described “guidette” and member of that TV phenomenon, “Jersey Shore.” Snooki is now a published author, having “written” a “book” called “A Shore Thing.”

Snooki, whom most of us are certain has never read a book, is now an author, albeit with a vocabulary that includes words such as “gorilla juicehead.” Will she be in the Library of Congress? Has she ever actually been in a library?

For those of you not up on your pop culture, “Jersey Shore,” which debuted last year, carries on the MTV “Real World” tradition of putting young strangers in a house – this time in Seaside Heights, NJ – and recording their every movement, hoping for drama and abhorrent behavior. No problem. Though these young “adults” do exactly what you did when you went down the shore – beach, bars and booze – they take it to the next level, complete with hook-ups, hangovers and arrests (OK, some of you undoubtedly are thinking, “That was my time at the shore, too.”). With the cameras rolling and the encouragement to make it interesting by the ever-present producers, they binge and brawl – mostly the girls – and call each other names that cannot be repeated here. And that’s just in episode 1.

Not that it matters for TV purposes, but most of the cast comes from outside NJ and some aren’t even Italian, despite the large Italian flag hung on the door of the shore house. They are the ultimate “bennies.” If you are in a bar when they come along, you have to sign a release to give permission to the producers to use you on TV. Some of the patrons let more than the producers use them, but I’m not entirely sure that makes sluts any different from the way they behaved back in my day, does it? It’s just that these people do their dirty deeds in the “smush room” for all of us to see via voyeuristic TV.

Last season the cast transplanted itself to Miami, ignoring the fact that the Jersey Shore can only accurately be located in New Jersey. This change in locale was needed because the shore season here runs between Memorial Day and Labor Day, and the kids needed a new place to get into trouble – I mean shoot new episodes – so Miami’s beaches served the purpose.

Now the show is back in New Jersey, broadcasting episodes shot this past summer with largely the same themes. Snooki has toned down her trademark “poof” hair a little, but she’s still sauntering around, barely clad, and wearing lots of bedazzled headwear. There is the ever-present tension in the relationship between Sammi and her meathead boyfriend Ronnie that usually results in a catfight with Jenni (“J-Woww,” and if you catch a glimpse of her enhanced anatomy, you will understand the reason for the “wow”). Mike, Pauly D and Vinny still cruise for chicks and try to avoid “grenades” (bad-looking chicks, in their parlance) after going through their GTL (gym, tanning, laundry) ritual. At least we know they are clean, right?

Believe me, I am not proud to say I watch this show. The conversations here are hardly fodder for the Algonquin Roundtable, and there are virtually no redeeming reasons to observe this kind of behavior other than to decry it. (I justify my addiction by comparing myself to an anthropologist observing behavior. Yeah, that’s the ticket, I’m freakin’ Margaret Mead!) It is like passing an accident on the highway – you can’t help but look. Besides, it shows aspects of our culture that we can recognize as the end of the world as we know it – if this behavior in any way represents the generation it depicts on TV. I hope not.

Let’s put it this way: If I lived next door to these people, I’d move. And if they were my kids, I’d cut them off. Not that it would matter, because they are all well-paid on this break from their real-life waitressing and bar-tending jobs. Mike “The Situation” is purportedly earning $5 million this year alone, parlaying his fame and his amazing abs into a stint on the mostly respectable, more mainstream show “Dancing With the Stars.” And Andy Warhol promised they’d only be famous for 15 minutes.

With all this activity, it makes you wonder how Snooki had time to write that book, doesn’t it (she said, dripping with sarcasm)? All I know is that the rumbling sound you hear is Shakespeare, Hemingway and Dickens turning over in their graves.

The producers recently announced that the show’s stars are being deported – I mean planning to travel – to Italy for the next batch of episodes. I remember the first time I was in Italy, reveling in the rich culture and history of Rome and appalled to see that omnipresent American export, McDonald’s, on the way to the Coliseum. And now we send Italy our best and brightest – Snooki.

Good luck, Italy.

Tina's January Movies 2011

Tina's January Movies

This year I have resolved to try to see movies I have never seen before or movies that I haven’t seen in such a long time that I can barely remember them. That means occasionally bypassing “The Graduate” and “Shawshank Redemption” – or at least not reviewing them – in favor of something completely different (see number 6 below). For those of you who follow along, I hope to continue to give you suggestions you find useful or to entertain you along the way. As always, films are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, preferably my favorite, Bumble Bee.

1. Requiem for a Heavyweight (TV) – This is Rod Serling’s sad tale of Mountain Rivera, an over-the-hill heavyweight boxer (Anthony Quinn) who is one blow away from blindness. After a 17-year career and one-time title hopes, Mountain has nowhere to go and nothing to do. A kind heart and an addled mind make him feel obligated to his manager (Jackie Gleason), who has been making a living off his prize catch long beyond the boxer’s true expiration date. Mountain, proud that he never took a dive, doesn’t know that his own manager bet against him to cash in on a big payday, only to be thwarted by the boxer’s unexpected stamina. Gleason, Mickey Rooney and Quinn, with a mumble like Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone, shine in this drama, originally produced for TV. Julie Harris has a part as a sympathetic unemployment worker anxious to help Rivera (that part seemed a little on the science fiction side to me). 4 cans.
2. Raging Bull (TV) – It sickens me to think of Robert DeNiro selling his creative soul to commercial crap like “Little Fockers.” Here he portrays boxer Jake LaMotta, a raging man who bulls his way through life, wives, family, friends and the boxing ring. This movie, along with “Mean Streets,” represents the quintessential collaboration between DeNiro and director Martin Scorsese, depicting New York life and desperate characters searching for something they cannot quite understand. This is the first movie I can recall where an actor transformed his body to resemble the character – first trimming down to a buff physique and then by gaining 80 pounds to play the same character as fat, flabby and nearly forgotten. Brilliant work, made better by the astute choice of black and white cinematography that adds a gritty texture. One of the best movies ever made, but clearly not for all audiences. 5 raging cans.
3. The Caine Mutiny (TCM) – This thought-provoking movie stars Humphrey Bogart as Lt. Colonel Queeg, the somewhat paranoid, slightly off-kilter Captain of the Caine, a ship in disrepair that the captain is determined to salvage. His senior officers immediately dislike his by-the-book approach, focusing on details like having the crew’s shirts tucked in, and they question his courage. When a typhoon hits the ship near Pearl Harbor, Queeg’s insistence on following orders puts the ship in jeopardy and causes Executive Officer Steven Marek (Van Johnson) to take control. Is Marek’s act a mutiny, or was the ship in danger of going down because of Queeg’s incompetence? Watch the movie and see for yourself. In the end, it’s all about the strawberries. 4½ cans.
4. Mildred Pierce (TCM) – Is there a mother anywhere who hasn’t said (or at least wanted to say) to her child, “After all I do for you, this is the gratitude I get?” In the case of Mildred Pierce, you could hardly blame her. Mildred (Joan Crawford, complete with big bangs, oversized shoulder pads and oh, those eyebrows, won an Oscar for her performance) is a hard working mother who dotes on her daughters. When the younger one dies, all of her attention shifts to Veda, her spoiled older daughter whose taste for the good life makes her ever more demanding. This is the classic ‘40s style movie, shot in black and white, with that film noir look. Everybody smokes and drinks, the men all wear fedoras, the score is dramatic and oh, yeah, somebody gets shot. I liked this movie, but I couldn’t stopping thinking about the Carol Burnett-Harvey Korman take-off. 3½ cans, mostly for the style.
5. Fly Away Home (TV) – When 13-year old Amy (Anna Paquin) loses her mother in a car accident, she goes to live with her hippy father (Jeff Daniels) on a farm in Canada. The estranged duo bond over a flock of geese that Amy rescues. Like Mother Goose, Amy leads the flock all around the farm while her rather odd duck father hatches a seemingly bird-brained plan to teach Amy to fly a small plane so she can lead the birds on their migration, which they cannot do without a mother. Amy flies the flock hundreds of miles away to wetlands threatened by a developer. This movie contains beautiful flight sequences as the geese soar over the countryside, following Amy and her little goose-painted plane. It won’t surprise you to know that the birds land safely. 3½ cans.
6. Monty Python & the Holy Grail (TV) – And now for something completely different, we follow the adventures of Arthur, King of the Britons, as he and his knights seek the holy grail. Accompanied by Lancelot, Galahad and a band of brothers, they gallop horseless around the countryside, facing killer rabbits, insulting Frenchmen and animated threats in their quest for absolute silliness. A little of the Python troop goes a long way, but this is the holy grail of Python antics. 3½ cans for imagination and exuberance.
7. The Thin Man (TCM) – Whodunit? That’s the question facing urbane Nick Charles, slick sleuth husband to Nora and a reluctant detective in a case where more bodies keep turning up. Considered the gem in the series of Nick and Nora movies, this 1934 movie is more style than substance. Nick and Nora prefer drinking to detective work, and their world is filled with what were then called “gay” parties, which at the time meant nothing more than having fun. Nick ultimately solves the case in a roomful of suspects, in a way that reminded me of Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the lead pipe. Modestly entertaining and intriguing. 3½ cans.
8. The Great Waldo Pepper (TV) – In keeping with this year’s theme of watching movies I either haven’t seen in many years or have never seen, I thought I’d revisit this 1975 story of barnstorming pilots in an aerial circus in the 1920s. I tried to remember what I initially found so appealing about this “Not So Great Waldo Pepper” movie and realized it was just one thing – its star, Robert Redford. I was a sucker for Redford back then, with his tousled blond hair and toothy grin. He starred in many of my favorite movies – “All the President’s Men,” “Butch Cassidy,” “The Way We Were” and “The Sting” – but this is really the weak link in that chain of hits. In the words of the Bo Swenson character, “I don’t like it much.” 3 cans.
9. True Grit (in Manville, with Dee) – I don’t recall much from the original version of this western, but I can tell you that Jeff Bridges in his first 10 minutes outplays John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn. Here Bridges is a US. Marshall hired by young Maddie to track down her father’s killer. Bridges has really come into his own as an actor and here extends his recent success as Oscar’s Best Actor last year. Matt Damon plays a Texas Ranger already on the killer’s trail. The revelation is 14-year old Maddie, played with true grit by newcomer Hailee Steinfeld, who is light years ahead of the pouty Kim Darby in the original. There are some great lines in this version, and if you can get past the blood and mayhem (at one point I said to my friend, “I see dead people” because of all the shootings), it’s a fun ride. You don’t see many Westerns anymore, and, in fact, the last time I saw two men on horses it was in “Brokeback Mountain.” This is no BBM. 4 cans.
10. Shattered Glass (TV) – In the 1990s, young reporter Stephen Glass turned out a series of articles for The New Republic magazine that were so rich in detail and filled with such interesting characters that they almost read like fiction. Turns out, they were. Incredibly gifted and equally insecure, Glass wanted so much to win friends and influence people that he never let the facts get in the way, and if he couldn’t get the facts he wanted, he simply made them up. A hole in the fact-checking process at the magazine allowed checkers to rely on the reporter’s notes. When a rival magazine wants to do a follow-up on one of his stories, Glass’ world begins to shatter. Hayden Christiansen plays Glass as a skittish, lonely, people pleaser, and Peter Saarsgard delivers substance as his editor, growing ever more skeptical as Glass spins lie upon lie. Well acted and with an intriguing story that makes us question the veracity of what we read. 4 cans.
11. Big Night (TV) – Big Night is a big deal for sibling restaurateurs Primo and Secundo (Tony Shalhoub and Stanley Tucci) in this comedy-drama. There’s good cooking in the kitchen, but the failing restaurant isn’t attracting enough business to keep the place going. A local competitor promises to get bandleader Louis Prima to stop by, and Primo prepares the meal of a lifetime. There is plenty of pasta with a side portion of bickering between brothers here, as they wait for their big break, risking everything on one big night. Both actors are underrated in general, and I find Tucci strong and believable, though I can’t vouch for anyone’s Italian accent. All I know is that the big pasta dish looked mighty tasty to me, and the movie had tasty morsels of its own. 3½ cans.
12. The Lion in Winter (TCM) – “What family doesn’t have its ups and downs?” ponders Eleanor, estranged wife of Henry. Dr. Phil would have a field day with this couple, whose love-hate relationship and disappointment in their three sons’ ability to succeed Henry in the family business cause constant bickering. The fact that Henry is the King of England and keeps his royal wife Eleanor for the most part locked up in a tower while he pursues young Alice so she can give him better sons understandably adds to the strain in their relationship. Brilliant dialog and tongue-in-cheek performances by leads Peter O’Toole and Katherine Hepburn (who shared the Oscar that year with newcomer Barbra Streisand) result in a thoroughly satisfying and often amusing tale. A young Anthony Hopkins plays oldest son Richard. I hadn’t seen this movie in years but it was worth the wait. 5 cans.